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May
I Touch You?
by Emma Miller, D.Div.
With
oiled palms facing her daughter, Elizabeth expectantly says, "May I
massage you Kelsey"? The notion of asking permission to touch often
strikes parents oddly. In spite of their love, the comment, "It's my
baby," sometimes indicates the belief that parents can do what they
will, when they will, to their child. Sadly, this does not account for
the needs, feelings, or desires of the baby.
Remembering that infants are highly interactive from the beginning is
an important part of not taking them for granted. How many parents are
delighted when, pressing a hand on a pregnant belly, a greeting is returned!
Fully conscious before birth, the newborn continues to strive to make
sense of people and things after arrival. Because touch is the first
sense to develop, it is fundamental. That is, the best way for an infant
to learn about herself, her world, and her place in it, is through the
messages she receives through her skin.
Kelsey is beginning to build a sense of who she is. When Elizabeth asks
permission to touch then waits, Kelsey begins to understand that a response
from her is encouraged. This helps Kelsey feel that it is OK, and even
good, for her to express herself. She begins to feel special and important.
This is the foundation for healthy self-esteem, and the ability to be
honest with herself and her feelings.
Sex education begins in infancy. Kelsey is beginning to construct ideas
about her body and its organization, and her personal boundaries. When
Elizabeth enacts her permission ritual, Kelsey perceives that her body
must be important. "If someone wants to touch me, they need my permission
first!". By saying "yes" or "no", Kelsey can determine who, when, where,
and how someone touches her. Every time Elizabeth shows respect, Kelsey
builds self-respect.
Elizabeth wants to establish a good relationship with her child, and
hopes that her child will have good relationships with others. Kelsey
is not always ready or willing to interact. As she keenly observes Kelsey's
cues and sensitively responds, Elizabeth listens with her heart, tries
to be fully available, and appreciates her infant as an individual.
Kelsey is an active participant in her world. Together, mother and daughter
create a positive, and often lifelong, line of two-way communication.
Being an expert on her child, Elizabeth helps other people interpret
her infant's signals so that their interactions can be mutual and successful.
Issues of touch are particularly important to Elizabeth. Like many adults,
she did not have a warm tactile relationship with her parents. In addition,
she has had life experiences when touch was unwanted, hurtful, or traumatic.
Elizabeth acknowledges that she wishes she had been asked. Through providing
her daughter with a choice, along with counseling and support, Elizabeth
allows a wounded piece of herself to heal. Elizabeth would like Kelsey
to experience the richness of caring human relationships, and makes
every effort to offer love through her nurturing, appropriate touch.
Elizabeth's efforts are not wasted. By her own experience,
Kelsey learns what trust and intimacy are all about. As she peers at
her mother's hands, she feels safe, loved, and lovable. In the nonverbal
language her mother has come to understand, Kelsey joyfully responds,
"Yes! I'd like a massage now!". For you see, to this baby, it is a welcoming
new world.
Article © 1997, Emma Miller
Photos © 1996, Gentle Touch Inc. and
© 2000, Emma Miller
Author's Note: April is National Prevent Child Abuse Month. These concepts
are applicable to all adults and children, especially within families.
Emma Miller, D.Div., is a N.C. Infant/Toddler/Family Specialist, Certified
Infant Massage Instructor, and creator of the Gentle Touch® Program.
For more information about the Gentle Touch® Infant Massage
Video which she authored and co-produced, parent instruction, or
professional training, please visit http://main.nc.us/gentletouch/,
e-mail GentleTouch@main.nc.us
or call: 1-888-333-3936.
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